| Laughter is the best medicine |
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No one can beat the Caribbean people for their sense of humor. We can take anything and get humor out of it. This was nominated for best joke of the year - worth sharing. A Somalian arrives in Vancouver as a new immigrant to Canada . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says ... 'Thank you Mr. Canadian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!' The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican.' The man goes on and encounters another passerby. ' Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Canada !' The person says, 'I not Canadian, I Vietnamese.' The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful Canada !' That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Middle East , I am not Canadian !' He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you a Canadian ?' She says , 'No, I am from Africa !' Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Canadians ?' The African lady checks her watch and says ...'Probably at work' Little Zachary was doing quite badly in math. His parents had tried everything. tutors, mentors, flash cards, Special Learning Centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother Hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.
His mother was amazed She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise Little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.
She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"
Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. "Well, then," she replied, "Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms?"
Little Zachary looked at her and said, "On the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around." The old farmer had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely with picnic tables, a barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond and look it over. He hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. As he approached, he made the women aware of his presence. At once, they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave." The old man frowned, "I did not come down here to watch you young ladies swim naked, or to make you get out of the pond naked." Holding up the bucket, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator." Subject: A Day in the life of a computer technician_ Tech support: What kind of computer do you have? Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out. Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on the left of the screen. Customer: I have problems printing in red... Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am? My keyboard is not working anymore. Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a Customer: I can't get on the Internet. Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a Tech support: How may I help you? Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but Subject: Cattle Call (Give me back my damn dog) "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the Then the A convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he hadleft. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him,blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought,"What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The old gentleman paused. Then said,"Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper. Baked beans? If this doesn't make you laugh out loud, nothing will... Once there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on." She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the smell of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly,"Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight. He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the telephone. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable,so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the telephone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her "Happy Birthday"!!! A sardar is an Indian with a turban An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW. HE LOOK AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. FINE, THEN THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK. I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS. HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!! SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS.................................... HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED. HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED? SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE. HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE? SHE REPLIED, HELLOOOOO... DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO! This was nominated for best joke of the year - worth sharing. A Somalian arrives in Vancouver as a new immigrant to Canada . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says ... 'Thank you Mr. Canadian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!' The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican.' The man goes on and encounters another passerby. ' Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Canada !' The person says, 'I not Canadian, I Vietnamese.' The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful Canada !' That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Middle East , I am not Canadian !' He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you a Canadian ?' She says , 'No, I am from Africa !' Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Canadians ?' The African lady checks her watch and says ...'Probably at work' Fuel Crisis A man was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. Just at that moment, The bee answered, "BP." As dumb as an attorney!!!! ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? The Honest Wife The following exchange took place.
Your Horse Phoned A guy is sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife A married Trini went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almos' had an affair wid annuder woman. " "The priest said, "What you mean, almost?" The Trini said, "Well, we get undress' and rub up an' ting, but den I stop." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." The Trini left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The Trini replied, "Yeah fadder, buh hear me nah, ah rub de $50 on de box, and 'cordin' to you, dat is de same as puttin' it in." Andre`Lashley of Diego Martin, Trinidad was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed,which she could see from the bedroom window. Andre` opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked is someone in your house?" and he told them no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. Andre`said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up. Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Lashleys residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to Andre: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" Andre said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" (True Story) I LOVE IT! Now that's how you call the POLICE. |
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